Obsession or Traumatic Bond? Why You Can’t Leave That Relationship That Hurts You

You know it hurts you. Your friends tell you, your family warns you and, deep down, you know it too. And yet, every time you try to leave, you feel completely frozen. Or worse: you leave, but you come running back at the slightest sign of “change.”

Is it love? Is it obsession? Or are you a masochist? At PsicoDiversa we want to tell you something important: it is probably none of that. It is quite possible that you are caught in a traumatic bond.

What exactly is a traumatic bond?

A traumatic bond is an extremely strong emotional attachment that is created between two people through a cycle of abuse and reward.

Unlike a healthy relationship, where trust grows little by little, a traumatic bond is forged in intensity and instability. It is based on a very powerful biological mechanism called intermittent reinforcement.

The trap of “intermittent reinforcement”

To understand why you cannot leave, you need to understand how your brain works in this relationship.

Imagine a slot machine. If it always paid out, you would get bored. If it never paid out, you would walk away. But if it pays out randomly and unpredictably, you stay stuck to the lever, waiting for the next stroke of luck.

The same thing happens in a traumatic relationship:

• Tension and pain phase: there is coldness, criticism, silence or aggression. Your brain produces cortisol (the stress hormone). You feel awful.
• “Honeymoon” phase: all of a sudden, the other person is sweet, affectionate or apologetic. Your brain releases dopamine (pleasure) and oxytocin (calm). The relief is so immense that it feels like the greatest love in the world.

Your brain becomes “addicted” to that relief. The person who causes the pain is the only one who can take it away. That is a traumatic bond.

Signs that you are in a traumatic bond (and not in love)

Telling love and trauma apart is vital. Here are some keys:

• You live on alert: you feel that you are “walking on eggshells” so as not to upset the other person.
• You justify the harm: you catch yourself explaining to other people why they behaved badly (“they were having a bad day,” “I provoked them”).
• Isolation: you have pulled away from the people around you because you are ashamed to tell them what is going on, or to stop them criticizing your partner.
• The hope of change: you live waiting for the wonderful person from the beginning to come back, ignoring the reality of who they are today.

How to break the cycle: it is not a question of willpower

Leaving a traumatic bond is, neurologically, similar to giving up an addiction to a substance. The “withdrawal syndrome” is real and very painful. That is why the usual advice of “just leave” does not tend to work.

At our psychology center in Málaga we approach the traumatic bond not as a relationship problem, but as a process of personal recovery:

• No contact (or grey rock): strategies to cut off the supply of dopamine and pain.
• Trauma work (EMDR): we need to process the impact this cycle has left on your nervous system.
• Rebuilding self-esteem: remembering who you were before you went into this dynamic.

You do not have to get out of this on your own

Breaking a traumatic bond is one of the hardest processes there is, and even so you can walk toward calm. Peace of mind has no price.

If you feel you are caught in this dynamic and you live in Málaga (or you are looking for online therapy), at PsicoDiversa we specialize in dismantling these mechanisms at the root. Book an appointment with Laura Nhate, a specialist in trauma and dependency.